Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

Sometimes I just can't help it. I get tired of being sick to I try to pretend that it's not real. I stop taking my meds & stop using my C-PAP machine. I want to badly to not be sick, be able to live my life like a "normal" person. It doesn't happen.

There is so much I want to do that I just want to sit & cry from frustration. My mother made me the terrified, insecure person I am today. I curse her frequently and am glad she died in pain. There is nothing I could ever do to erase the stench of her brainwashing. Now, it's too late. I'm old & sick and have to keep trying to remind myself that living, even like this, is better than the alternative. Only thing is, I don't always believe that.

I am embarking on new projects that terrify me. What if I fail? That will mean I'm a failure. Other people fail, I am a failure. Thanks Mom for that insightful lesson.

Am I so unlovable that you couldn't? Was there something wrong with me that made you hate me so? Why did you hurt me so much? Even though logic & Steve indicate it was never about me, I can't make myself believe it.

You destroyed my life. You made sure that whatever I wanted was not what I got. I wanted college & a career. You made sure I ended up with children that I was extremely incapable of raising, in relationships that guaranteed I would never be happy & secure, but abused and abandoned. You controlled everything possible, all the time telling me that it was just me being stupid.

Knowing I wanted to do research on our family genealogy, you gave everything you had to Terry, knowing he wouldn't share, would lord over us with it. It's been 17 years and only managed to get a few pages this year. I have a deep hunger to know others I am related to, hoping that they won't reject me also. You made sure I couldn't do that either.

What can one do in the face of so much hate? I am not empty inside, which is what I pretend. I am full of self-hate, self-doubt, insecurity and fear. You taught me so well, lessons I can never unlearn.

I HATE YOU!!

Weekend

I am so 2 old 4 jet skiing. Went w/brother, Mark & Vickie. Can`t walk 2day. Left Knee is so screweed up.

On the up side, the baby birds r growing fast. They eat like pigs. Beautiful plummage.

First Post

OK. I've finally joined the Blogging Craze. Don't know that I have anything that interesting to write about, but one never knows.